During my first year of blogging, I posted “Breaking bread: Could sharing food foster cooperation between parties in mediation?“, a story from Deltona, Florida, about a failed mediation involving a land dispute. An ingenious Deltona resident had an inspired idea: why not settle differences instead over a plate of barbecue? But I suggested taking things one step further: mediate and eat barbecue.

I still think it’s a great idea.

The Super Bowl is this Sunday, and football means barbecue. (Baseball means barbecue, too, but we’ll revisit that on Opening Day.) In the interests of encouraging Patriots fans and Giants fans to put aside their differences and come together, here’s my recipe for grilled baby back ribs.

Ingredients:

2 racks of baby back ribs

For the dry rub

• 4 tblsp. sweet paprika
• 2 tblsp. chili powder
• 2 tblsp. ground cumin seeds
• 2 tblsp. ground fennel seeds
• 2 tblsp. brown sugar
• 1 tblsp. white sugar
• 2 tblsp. kosher salt
• 1 tblsp. dried oregano
• 1 tblsp. freshly ground pepper
• 1/2 - 2 tsp. chipotle chili pepper or hot Hungarian paprika (depending on your tolerance for heat)

Instructions:

Put all ingredients into a plastic lidded container, close lid, and shake until well blended. Store in fridge for up to 2 months.

Four hours before you start your fire, rub the dry rub on the ribs. Place on a baking sheet covered with plastic wrap and place in fridge. One hour before you plan to put the ribs on the grill, remove from fridge and let stand at room temperature.

I use a 22 1/2 inch Weber kettle grill for these ribs. If you’re using a gas grill, you’re on your own here, but you’ll be grilling these using indirect heat using a covered grill. Build a charcoal fire, and promise me that you’ll use a large charcoal chimney, not lighter fluid, to light your charcoal.

Fill a large chimney with coals and allow to burn until covered with a light layer of white ash. When the coals are ready, pile them up on either side of the grill with a drip pan in the middle filled with the contents of a bottle of beer (domestic or imported, it’s up to you). Put the cooking grate in place, cover the grill, making sure the vents are open, and let the grill heat for about 5 minutes. Place the ribs on the grate, cover, and cook for 2 hours. You may need to replenish the charcoal halfway through, but resist the temptation to lift the lid and check otherwise.

Now here’s the important part. Remove the ribs from the heat, wrap up tightly in one large sheet of heavy-duty aluminum foil, then fold up in a large, heavy bath towel and leave the ribs to rest at room temperature for 45 minutes to a full hour.

Unwrap, brush with the barbecue sauce of your choice if you want (or enjoy the smoky pork goodness all on its own), cut the ribs, and serve. Feeds 4.

(Adapted from Cook’s Illustrated Best Recipe Grilling & Barbecuing.)

It’s been such a busy month that my third anniversary of blogging, January 10, 2008, passed unnoticed. I completely forgot until now.

That is partly due to the attention that my blog’s move to a new home required, as well as the demands of work. And among the tasks involved in that move was the slow sorting-through and creation of categories for over 650 posts, the product of 36 months of blogging.

Among my archives I discovered several posts that reminded me why I continue to blog — some thoughts I’d like to share with you as I look back on three years.

Blogging of course is an effective marketing tool, one reason why many businesses and entrepreneurs are drawn to it, as my friend and fellow New Englander, Tammy Lenski, reminds readers today in asking an important question, “Is blogging a good mediation marketing strategy?”

Blogs are also tools for gathering and disseminating knowledge and information. In a post from June 2005, “Five reasons why ADR professionals should be blogging“, I argued that blogging may make you smarter:

Successful blogging requires research. So bloggers surf the web, cruising for news. We’re Internet blood-hounds, tracking down the elusive scent of stories that will pique the curiosity of our readers. That constant prowling alerts us to stories, trends, breaking news in our field—and even in fields that have nothing whatsoever to do with our blog’s focus, which, I would argue, makes us well-rounded individuals.

But blogging by nature is designed to connect not just ideas but people — for me blogging’s greatest appeal. As I wrote in November 2006, “Get the connection: building your network through blogs“:

Although I have made many contacts the old-fashioned way—through personal introductions, conference attendance, and committee work–nothing has connected me to the world around me faster or more dramatically than blogging has succeeded in doing.

Blogs bring people together like no conference or convention can. It allows for conversation in a multitude of ways.

Here’s one: Publish a post and instantly the whole world hears your message. But this is no one-way conversation–because most blogs permit reader comments, the world can talk back.

Here’s another: Another blogger reads your post. Intrigued by the viewpoint or links you shared, he or she riffs on what you’ve written and links back to you, amplifying the conversation. Suddenly your voice is joined by someone else’s. Other bloggers chime in and the chorus of voices grows.

Here’s another: Someone discovers your blog. One of your posts has sparked their imagination or triggered questions. They email you to tell you. Or they email you a link to an article they think you’d find interesting. Or they email you just to say hello.

With a little encouragement, these conversations can ultimately give rise to meaningful connections–to collegiality, to inspiration, to collaboration. These connections, as I have happily discovered, can produce discoveries, insights, and, most rewardingly, friendships.

Contrary to popular belief, blogging is not a solitary activity. It is joyfully, boldly public.

You can shout into the canyon and hear your own voice echo back.

But wait and shout again, and you will hear other voices rise in greeting.

That, more than any other reason, is why blogging remains such an essential part of my professional life. It is the collegiality, the friendships that have sprung up across geographic distances. It is the pleasure of mutual discovery, of interests shared. It is the sparks struck and the ideas that ignite when viewpoints collide.

Here on the web, what matters most: Only connect.

Thanks to all of you for sharing some or all of those three years with me.  I’m glad you were here.

If you don’t like American football or live outside the United States, you’re probably not aware (or even care) that the undefeated New England Patriots are squaring off against the San Diego Chargers this Sunday in the battle for the AFC Championship and the right to play in the Super Bowl, that most sacred of American sports events. The top-seeded Pats, 17-0, are considered the odds-on favorites.

Some folks, however, are rooting for the San Diego underdogs. Kristina Haymes, an attorney and mediator who blogs about mediation marketing, and also an avowed Chargers fan, has thrown down the gauntlet. Knowing that my heart belongs to the Patriots, she asks me,

What do you say Diane are the Pats going to trounce the Chargers? Do the underdogs have a chance?

I confess that I’m torn. How to respond? The superstitious sports fan in me never makes public predictions about my team’s likelihood of victory (a superstition borne of a lifetime as a Red Sox supporter). Yet the pulse-pounding excitement of the 2007 football season has gone to my head.

Should I simply say, “Let the best team win?”

Nah. There’s only one answer for Kristina:

Go, Pats!

As difficult as it can be to make requests of others, as I discussed in “New Year’s (Dispute) Resolution #3: Don’t be afraid to ask“, saying no to requests that others make of us can be just as hard.

Guilt can push us to say yes when all our instincts say no. Or we worry that “no” will harm a good relationship. Or we are convinced that saying no to them today will make them less willing to say yes to us tomorrow.

There’s an art in saying no well. And compelling reasons why no may be the best answer. According to negotiation expert William Ury’s 2007 bestseller, The Power of a Positive No: How to Say NO and Still Get to Yes,

In saying No positively, we are giving ourselves a gift. We are creating time and space for what we want. We are protecting what we value. We are changing the situation for the better — and all the while keeping our friends, colleagues, and customers. In short, we are being true to ourselves…

No is no longer a negation but an affirmation of the honesty that good relationships depend upon:

Your No can be a gift to the other as well. “Tell me Yes, tell me No, but tell me now” is a refrain I have often heard from those on the receiving end. The other often much prefers a clear answer, even if it is No, than continued indecision and waffling. A No allows them to go ahead and make their own decisions.

Indeed, a Positive No can bring us closer to the other, into a more authentic relationship. If we do not speak our truth — our No — we may in fact distance ourselves from the other, as there will always be something important that lies unspoken between us.

We need to gain greater comfort in saying yes to No.

Those of you who are teachers or students of negotiation are no doubt familiar with one of the field’s best known texts, Negotiation: Readings, Exercises, and Cases, by Roy Lewicki et al.

One of its exercises, “Collecting Nos”, is designed to aid students in confronting and overcoming what is for many an overpowering fear and a mighty stumbling block to effective negotiation: the anxiety associated with asking for stuff.

Asking is hard for obvious reasons. We worry that our request will be denied — rejection is tough. Or we’re concerned that we’ll be perceived as pushy or demanding. Or we’ve been taught that it’s rude. But that kind of thinking can get in your way of getting what you need — and keep you from being a good negotiator.

To complete the “Collecting Nos” exercise, you must make requests of others until you have collected 10 nos. My partner Moshe Cohen, who uses this exercise with his students at Boston University School of Management, further specifies that you are limited to one request per person and that the person you make the request of must have the power to grant it.

To vary the exercise slightly, if you get a “no”, ask that person again later on a second time. If they still say no, ask, “What would have to happen for you to say yes?”

In completing this exercise, people make two surprising discoveries: first, how difficult collecting 10 nos turns out to be — people are often much more willing to say yes to requests; and second, good things happen when you ask. Clients I have assigned this exercise to have reported negotiating better fee agreements with their own clients, salary increases, and even job interviews.

It just goes to show you that it never hurts to ask.  So why not try the “Collecting Nos” exercise for yourself?  Who knows what might happen.

(Source for “Collecting Nos”: Negotiation: Readings, Exercises, and Cases, Roy Lewicki et al., 5th edition, p. 570.)

Anais Nin once said, “We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.”

Indeed, numerous studies have demonstrated how easily our senses can be fooled. We are susceptible to influences of which we are unaware, which can shape our perception and judgments. Consider, for example, the extraordinary optical illusion in a BBC video, “The Mind’s Eye”. As the narrator says,

It’s an astonishing example of how much our visual memories, our imaginations, can influence what is right in front of our eyes.

However, knowing our propensity for making these errors, we can be alert for them. Are you ready?

Please click here to view a New Year’s Eve message from me to you.

Best wishes to everyone!

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. It provides a great excuse to buy chocolate — by the bag in fact. Plus no hours spent slaving over a hot stove, no need to shop for gifts (or wait in endless lines to return any), and no family feuds to mediate. What’s not to like?

It’s the one holiday that I unfailingly observe here at Online Guide to Mediation. So, in keeping with tradition, here are some Halloween-related links for your reading pleasure:

Start with my posts for Halloween 2005 and 2006, “Ghost of a chance: three ways mediators can celebrate Halloween” and “High spirits: legal issues can arise on sale of haunted houses“.

Bone up on “Witchcraft and the Law” with this bibliography from the LSU Law Library.

Play “Halloween Party“, a board game involving “crafty negotiation” and bluffing.

Or, get philosophical with “The Story of The Devil and Daniel Webster as a Post–modern Allegory to Individualism in Negotiation“. (Requires a subscription to download in PDF but cunning Googlers can access an HTML version of the article.)

Just be sure to save some 3 Musketeers bars for me.

(Photo credit: Nicolas Raymond.)

Despite the efforts of retail giants to commercialize Halloween, October 31 remains my favorite holiday. What’s not to like about a day that encourages chocolate consumption?

To kick off the festivities, I propose three ways that mediators can get in on the celebration:

1. Consider a daring new practice area.

A business in Indonesia advertises itself as “the last resort for professional ghost removal and mediation services” (emphasis mine). In addition to serving as mediators in your disputes with the damned, they are also available to assist as negotiators on your behalf to rid your home of pesky poltergeists. They seem to rely upon an integrative, interest-based negotiation framework, according to their web site:

…some entities have a demand since they have a ‘territory’ to respect. Sometimes we need to know their intention and demand before we remove them.

Evidently, successful negotiations with the dead, much as with the living, depend upon a thorough exploration of mutual interests. (One can only imagine the discussion about BATNA.)

2. Sign up for a course in intergalactic conflict resolution.

Mediators eager to explore new frontiers may wish to consider one of the courses taught at the Exopolitics Institute (featured here before on this blog): either Exopolitics 102: Citizen Diplomacy with Extraterrestrials, which includes a module on conflict resolution and mediation for the resolution of interplanetary disputes, or Multidimensional Ambassadors - Peace Building with ETs, Angels and Dolphins. (While there’s time, don’t forget to sign up for the Extraterrestrial Civilizations and World Peace Conference in May 2007.)

3. Do some seasonal reading to get into the holiday spirit.

May I suggest this post of mine from last Halloween: “High spirits: legal issues can arise on sale of haunted houses“, which concludes with discussion of an unsuccessful effort to bring a lawsuit against Satan.

Happy Halloween, everybody.

Warning: The following blog post has absolutely nothing to do with mediation, conflict resolution, or negotiation. I’m posting it because it’s funny, it’s seasonal, and it’s a great example of the capacity of the human imagination to transcend its bounds in pursuit of subversiveness.

While perusing the latest edition of the Boston Phoenix, I stumbled across an article with the irresistible title: “Hacking Santa“, about Tulsa, Oklahoma, resident Josh McCormick. Josh was shopping in his local Wal-Mart in search of something to hack for submission to “You Can’t Show That in Tulsa!”, an avant-garde art show, when he suddenly had an epiphany there in the aisle of Wal-Mart: “One item out of the entire store screamed ‘hack me’ more than anything else. The $49.84 animatronic Santa Claus.”

Josh purchased the five-foot-tall “Animated Singing Santa” (”this singin’ Santa’s head turns, and he swings his hips while moving his mouth to the words of the song”), took it home, and hacked it. Instead of singing “Jingle Bells”, Josh’s Santa now utters phrases like “I can give you free stuff because I skimp on elf health care. Ho, ho, ho!”

Why hack Santa? As Josh explains on his web site,

Aside from an interesting hack, I actually had an artistic statement for this piece. “Who controls Santa Claus?” was the question I had hoped that viewers would walk away with. Today, it is the corporations who mass produce items (such as this) and media companies who tell stories. They have the power to redefine ‘public characters’ such as Santa and add or change their mythology. They do not directly own, but they control our shared mythology. But what are their goals? What biases do they have? And what limits their behavior? These are questions this piece asks.

You can read about Josh’s act of corporate subversion here, which includes instructions on hacking your own Santa.