Game theory, which uses mathematical models to study human behavior and interactions in games, has applications in areas that range widely from politics and economics to warfare and international relations. It has even been used in the study of conflict and cooperation.
One of the best known examples of game theory in action is the Prisoner’s Dilemma, a non-zero sum game used to analyze cooperation.
The basic premise of the Prisoner’s Dilemma is this: the police have arrested two individuals suspected of being co-conspirators in a crime. The police keep these individuals in separate cells to prevent them from communicating with each other. The police lack enough evidence to convict either of them but offer each of them a deal in the hopes that either or both of them will confess. They tell each prisoner that if he betrays his accomplice, he will go free. If both prisoners refuse to talk, they will both receive only a very light prison sentence because of the lack of evidence. If one betrays the other, the one who betrays will go free, and the one who says nothing will be punished with a lengthy prison sentence. If, however, they both betray each other, they will receive prison sentences, but not as lengthy as if only one confesses.
The dilemma of course is that neither prisoner can speak with the other, so neither knows which course of action the other will choose—will they remain silent, thereby cooperating with each other, or will one or both of them betray the other? The biggest payoff for one prisoner occurs if one betrays while the other remains silent; the best outcome for both prisoners occurs if they both remain silent, thereby drawing only a light sentence.
The choice lies between cooperation and competition. Does the prisoner think only of himself or take his fellow prisoner into account?
(Interesting aside: according to Wikipedia, there is actually a television game show, “Friend or Foe“, which utilizes the Prisoner’s Dilemma in dividing up winnings among members of the team that scores the lowest on the show.)
Of course in real-life conflicts or negotiations, people are able to do what the prisoners in the Prisoner’s Dilemma are unable to: talk to each other. Communication removes the risk and unpredictability that silence produces: without communication, an individual can only anticipate or guess what the person across the bargaining table will do. Communication with the disclosure it brings reveals interests and builds trust. Through communication it is possible to address or minimize risk, discuss contingencies, design mutually beneficial outcomes, and optimize proposals already on the table to maximize benefit. This provides significant rewards for cooperative behavior.
The Prisoner’s Dilemma can be played online at several web sites. These include:
One of the lessons which those of us who are conflict management or negotiation trainers seek to reinforce is the notion that it pays to be honorable and trustworthy in our interactions with others. In other words, it is possible to be an effective negotiator and still be a nice guy at the same time.
But people frequently operate under the mistaken belief that if they don’t want to be taken advantage of in a conflict or at the bargaining table or even in life in general, they need to be rude, overbearing jerks.
Being a jerk, however, is generally not an effective strategy in human interaction. It’s a really small world not matter how big we like to think it is. We simply never know when we’re going to cross paths with someone again.
And while people often remember acts of kindness, fairness, or generosity, they never, ever forget when they’ve been treated badly. (If you don’t believe me, just ask any group of people to describe their worst customer service experience—people will outdo themselves in recounting their stories of personal humiliation and outrage at the hands of maitre d’s, store clerks, cab drivers, airline ticket counter attendants, etc. In fact, you won’t be able to get them to shut up.)
It is true that memories of nasty and brutish encounters come back readily when summoned, with all the visceral impact and vividness that they possessed at the moment of their occurrence.
Although less likely to provoke the depth of emotion that these negative memories produce, memories of positive interactions with our fellow human beings possess a certain compelling and luminous quality of their own. These memories are every bit as enduring.
That both these kinds of memories persist is important, especially when you stop to consider how connected all of us are, and that often there are far fewer than six degrees of separation that stand between us and a chance encounter.
Recently I had a chance encounter of my own that brought all of this home—one of those moments that reinforces the beliefs that I hold as a conflict resolution practitioner.
I had a meeting at the offices of a business with which I have been negotiating. One of their managers welcomed me warmly when I arrived and introduced themselves to me. I realized with surprise that it was someone I knew from one of my first jobs straight out of college more than two decades ago. I identified myself, explained where we had met before, and the two of us had a joyous reunion as we discussed people and places I hadn’t thought about in 20 years.
I had fond memories of this person at this job long ago—they had treated me with great kindness, taking me under their wing, and offering me encouragement and good humor at times I needed them most. It was great to be able to tell this person after all those years how much that encouragement and compassion had meant to me at a time when I was fresh out of school, totally inexperienced, and new to the corporate world.
The manager then told our story to the senior executive I was there to meet with. And it led to a discussion at the meeting of the great value in developing and maintaining relationships with the people with whom we work and do business. And as a result the meeting with the executive resulted in a solid foundation for moving forward. On some deep level, that connection had made a difference to the meeting’s outcome.
This was one of those moments when you realize just how very small the world is and how sometimes, without knowing it, we come full circle and arrive at the places and the people where we began.
It is this connectedness that is critical. It stands as the foundation of our ability to create bonds with others. Relationships do matter, whether in families, neighborhoods, or in business. Our capacity to connect, to network, to establish ties, build trust, address conflicts, and problem-solve differences, determines our likelihood of success in business and work—and everywhere else in our lives.
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
~attributed to both Golda Meir and Indira Gandhi
For the first time (at least this is the first time I’ve run across this) the word “mediation” has been used in a promotion for a Hollywood film. In this case, it’s Monster-in-Law, a film due to be released May 13 starring J. Lo and Jane Fonda.
As part of its promotion for the film, Zap2It.com is offering the chance to enter a Monster-in-Law contest to win what it describes as a “‘Monster-In-Law’ Mediation Kit” “containing everything you’ll need to manage your better half’s family”.
If you’re curious about what’s in the kit, it’s definitely not copies of conflict resolution classics Getting to Yes and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Instead the kit provides “24 hours of movies and music that should help extinguish familial flare-ups”.
The Boston Globe recently published “The college rejection letter”, a column by David Nyhan first appearing in 1987, which offers hope by putting into perspective for high school seniors the college application process.
It is indeed that time of the year when around the country high school students await (or dread) the arrival of the college acceptance letter. It is an important rite of passage and marks the transition from dependence and childhood to independent adulthood.
Planning and making decisions about college education involves parents as well, since more often than not it is they who will be providing financial support to enable their children to pursue their academic and career goals. It can be a tough issue even for happily married couples to wrestle with.
But what happens when couples are divorced or going through a divorce? Disputes over how to pay for college are understandably common among divorced or divorcing parents.
Mediation can of course make a tremendous difference here in two cases.
First, as part of the divorce process, a mediator can help a divorcing couple work together to address how to pay for college. Planning ahead can be hard—often when parents divorce, the children involved are young and college seems years away. It can be hard for parents to even imagine their preschoolers as high school graduates. Mediators can make sure parents think not only about the short-term, but think realistically about and plan for the long-term as well. This is where it can definitely make sense as part of that process to consult with a financial planner who can help parents strategize about ways to finance college education.
Secondly, couples who have been divorced for a number of years and and who are having a hard time reaching agreement about paying for college can use mediation to resolve their differences and work out a plan that will be acceptable to both parents.
Apart from being a means for reaching consensus about financing and paying for college, mediation is also useful to address other issues relating to children and their education. For example, children may wish to participate in extracurricular activities or attend summer programs. Or, parents may want to enable their children to attend private schools to give them educational advantages prior to going to college. Although these objectives are important to parents and to kids, in the case of divorced parents, paying for these opportunities can be difficult when there are now expenses for two households instead of just one. As a result, disagreements can arise and tempers flare.
These kinds of differences of opinion can also be addressed through mediation, which means that parents can work together to create their own plans that will fit their budgets and at the same time help their kids achieve their ambitions.
There are several web sites where parents and prospective college students can begin their search for information on financing college education, including links relating to scholarships, loans, internships, and grants. These web sites are:
For information about certified financial planners, you can visit CFP.net, the web site for the Certified Financial Planner Board of Standards, Inc., or visit the web site for the Financial Planning Association.
